Nervous....

I'm getting so nervous about my interview. The job would be an amazing opportunity and it will give me such a chance to explore creativity within fashion. I love merchandising and the scope within such an established company makes me feel sick with anticipation.  I think I deserve a bit of good luck after how awful 2012 has been so far. I will also be able to carry on doing my stall and working towards all my other plans whilst doing the job so it will be thumbs up all round if I get it. Now I have my vintage Chanel bag as a good luck too x

Not very well

I'm writing this whilst waiting to be collected from work because I collapsed... Had to do something to distract myself fom the worry.I've not been eating much and have been stressed so think that's what may have caused it but going to the doctor's just in case because I also haven't had my cancer cell check up for a while so need to be more cautious about that. I really don't feel like I'm myself at the moment and I am really really struggling to get up and about. The bf is being kind and caring but I am super scared that there is more going on than I have been thinking x

It is so strange that the weather is so autumnal this week. It makes me feel like it's nearly my birthday! Awkward! I am not looking forward to turning 34 at all, tres vile. Apparently I look somewhere between 23 and 27 but I'm not convinced, if I have managed to maintain the illusion of youth I am sure that the picture in my attic is looking awful right now. I am re-reading 'On the Road' trying to re-establish some beat mentality in my mind. I have deliberately lead my life as carefree and devoid of responsibility as possible but the last year has seen a change. I don't know, you go through life and pick up people along the way, some stay some go but I suppose the important thing is to maintain a sense of character and will. This time last week I fully intended to withdraw my life savings and run far far far far far away (Barcelona, Paris, Florence, Seattle, Chicago, San Francisco, New York... the list goes on...) and see if I could clear my head of the past. Today, reading, I realised that my past will define me and whatever I decide to do in the future and actually I don't mind that anymore, a person's past is there's to keep and I like having those memories safely locked away. I am not a great one for platitudes, I truly believe that people use them when they can't find the words to express themselves, or maybe as a tool to hurt someone in a passive aggressive manner... From this day forward I will say exactly what I mean, when I mean and to whom I mean it! x

Hey there

What a couple of weeks, I am ok though, ha ha given up drinking (possibly for good, maybe just for a while), I've lost over a stone and gained some insight and clarity. I have been pushed and pulled and messed around and do you know something I have come out of it knowing exactly what I want and what I'm willing to do to get it. I need some piece of mind and I feel like I've grown up in the last few days. I'm not a silly little girl and I don't need saving or looking after, I want love and I want to live my life without constaint or obligation. So I am toughening up, laying my cards on the table and doing exactly what I want to do fom now on.... x